Elias' Blog

I'm really itching to quit my job, though I've got no backups right now. It's not like my work is bad, it's just not what I envisioned myself doing. I want to be smart about it- only do it once I'm absolutely certain that I know where I'm going and have a rough plan of how to get there. Hopefully by spring I'd have my mind made up on where I want to go. I'm a bit nervous because it might mean going back into training and potentially taking out another loan...I just really hope it'll be worth it in the end. I don't think it'd be good for my mental health to sit with this discomfort for a prolonged period. This discomfort, the feeling of apathy around my work, I've got to nip it in the bud sooner than later.

It would be nice if I could be a Vtuber full-time. I'm being realistic with myself that there's no way I'm there yet, plus I don't necessarily envision Vtubing right now as the thing I do forever. I'd like to do a lot of cool things though, with however long I can keep this going. I'm not sure when I'd end it, but I could see it happening at some point. If I'm roughly in a similar position maybe...five years from now? Maybe I'll call it there. I'd probably end up focusing on other creative endeavours, if it got to that point. Right now I balance non-elias creative projects, Elias and my work. I'm in a bit of a 'bit off more than I could chew' situation but it seems I just enjoy being busy with *something*.

Would be interesting to look back on this post five years from now and see where I'm at. The long and short of it is I don't think I should stay in the position I'm currently at for the long haul. I need to be the one to take my life into my own hands.

I took Fella to a sushi place today. I've been eating a Tesco Itsu Sushi for the past few weeks to effectively psych myself up for eating sushi, since it's something I'm not used to and...it was amazing.

I have a rather unfortunate tendency to enjoy new food if I've eaten it at fancier restaurants. I need to find a cheap restaurant to be able to expand my palette more. Save my wallet the trouble. But it was really good <3.

And this DUDE had the AUDACITY to trick me into eating a PETAL.

I keep vaguely gesturing to my bad days, but I do my best not to show them on stream. I try to hold a degree of separation between Elias and the Kaiju (me), despite how generally open I am on stream. But they're still utter dogshit. And the worst part is I'll have a shower and probably be fine.

I've noticed I tell people less about how I'm doing up there in my head beyond 'I've had a bad day, the mental isn't great'. These past few days the inner voice has been really cruel and it's been really bad. It's tough. I'm at a point in my life where I wanna make big strides in what I do and stuff, but if I struggle with my thoughts on a bad day how do I manage against everything else?

Idk. Minor vent. Might delete later who knows? Needing a hug and/or a Chicken Tikka Masala Curry.

Curry sounds fucking lush, honestly.

Update: I have off-the-cuff arranged dinner with EliasDad. I shall procure self-care curry and it gives me an excuse to finally have that shower.

Brain fog out the wazoo and body aches. Hopefully I sleep well tonight though. I've been reading more of If on a Winter's Night A Traveller and honestly, peak. It's the closest thing I've had to House of Leaves in terms of books that are rather Meta. It's cool. I like it a lot. Also forgot my phone today which you can argue is both good and bad. Anyway, I'm looking forward to Valentine's Day (Fella is not allowed to know what's happening bc its nOTHING NOT IMPORTANT NOTHING IS HAPPENING!!!!!)

Fixed some little extras with the site. Getting errors that some elements are seen too early (but the site works soooooo). Otherwise unfocused day, rip me. But I also finished a book today (Moral Ambition).

I keep reading self-help books thinking I'd like them but most times not really. They don't feel super actionable. Though I liked the history in that one.

Also added that top section thats got some media/books I've been enjoying. May try to make the music one a playable song.

Oh, a blog. Wow! It is currently 10pm and I now have the outlines of a blog that, for all intents and purposes, works. Just need to port it all from VSCode to Neocities and it should work. Sure I could obviously learn some more HTML and CSS but for now it works, and that's good.

It was one of my monthly goals, in all honesty, to at least make the landing page. I've done both the blog and the landing page in a day. That's really good. I should be proud of me for that. I've been learning a lot of new things lately and I've honestly enjoyed the heck out of it.

I think I'm at least at a good point where I can say I have the bare-bones basics of web design down. Can't hurt to learn CSS a bit more but otherwise I've got the basics down to at least make a site work. That whole 'make it exist first, make it good later' mantra probably applies here.